"Do not kill the part of you that is cringe, kill the part that cringes" is a statement I've been trying to apply to my life. I started writing fanfiction and drawing fan art again! I had a problem with that for a while.

It's funny because I used to share my creations on the internet. But then again, I was just a kid with unlimited access to computers. They were... far from perfect. Well, again, I was just a kid and didn't really have any experience. I got some criticism, but thank fucking god those people were nice to me and really tried to help me, because you know how the Internet can be.

The not-so-nice and not-so-helpful corners of the Internet weren't new, of course. I was aware of them. I've never been an active part of those communities, but I've lurked here and there. I'm not proud of it. Because at the end of the day, I was just like those people they made fun of, the only difference being my luck.

Spending time watching people make fun of other people's art admittedly rubbed off on me. As I got older, I generally became a lurker. It was just more comfortable. I continued to create, but I didn't post. Partly because of the hyper-awareness that came from the anxiety (or maybe the other way around? Who knows), partly because I just didn't want to. Sometimes I would look back at the older art and cringe. I hated it. I didn't really stop drawing, but the fan faction? Dropped completely.

Fast forward to the next few years, I started seeing the aforementioned "kill the part that cringes" and "cringe is dead" more often. I saw a lot of posts encouraging people to create, even if it's not ideal. People are creative creatures after all. I also had a lot of scenarios with my blorbos in my head that I thought of before falling asleep. "Fuck it," I thought, "let's try again. And so I started writing again. I had that awful feeling when I was writing, even though I was not showing it to anyone and was just writing for myself. But somehow I managed to fight it and keep writing. A year or two later I decided to try digital art again with the same "fuck it why not" attitude. It also became a hobby. Although it can be more of a pain in the ass than writing, haha. I actually drew an art for my friend's birthday this year. I shared it with someone. Holy shit!

For now, I'm not going to post any fanfics or fanart online. I don't want to. I like to keep it as something personal. But maybe if I gain more skill along the way, I'll try to give it a shot, but it's not guaranteed. Anyway, I'm not sure I've beaten the part of me that cringes, I'm not sure there's an ultimate way to kill it. But I have learned to fight it and to live with it. You can't be perfect, you can't literally be liked by everyone, and limiting yourself would hurt you the most.

Now I have to learn to apply that to the other parts of my life....